{Burned. Out.}

I am burned out.

I'm not typically one to take "selfies" - or at least not share the selfies I do take - I find it a bit self-absorbed.

But today I took this little selfy (instead of studying for that Philosophy exam tomorrow) and I felt in a small way that it captured me as I feel.  Sorry guys, this one is going to be a little over-analyzed, like symbolism in the Scarlet Letter.

I have what I need to keep going right in front of me.  But I feel so distant and not motivated to do anything I need to.  I'm sad; I love all of my classes, and I'm learning a lot while I'm attending, but I cannot connect outside of class this semester.  I don't even have a whole lot to do outside of class, and I still don't feel like I can't get myself together.  I feel like a shell; like a ghost of someone I usually am, but I'm not right now.  I'm just... there.  And not connected to what's going on around me.  It's by the grace of God that I am still connecting with Him and with people, but with life outside of human and God interaction is throwing a party that I am not attending.  Right now, I really do just want to sit around and do absolutely nothing.  I want to sit outside with a Harry Potter book and a laptop, soak up some vitamin D, blog, and check Facebook.  Horrible way to spend life day-to-day.  But that's really just what I want to do.  I'm tired of memorizing things, I'm tired of discussing things, I'm tired of reading things, I'm tired of coming up with better synonyms of the word "things" - I just want to quit for a little while, let my brain heal, recuperate, then start out again, but slowly.  I want to sit and stare, look away from everything I'm supposed to be looking at.  I am running on fumes.  For this and other inner reasons (which will remain undisclosed) I have attempted seeking comfort in the Lord.  I found a passage that I want to share which most have heard - I've heard it before - but I never knew where it was.  I happened to come upon it at "random" the other day and it was really speaking for me:

"My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise."

~Psalm 51:17

Beautiful.

And it speaks for me.  The whole of Psalm 51 speaks for me daily: a sinner, fallen and broken, but in desperate need of the Lord and His love, grace, and compassion.  I don't deserve it, but He freely gives it to me.  Right now, I want to ask Him to heal me, but for some reason have not.  I don't know why.  Maybe it's because I've been out of His rest for so long that I don't know how to go back into it; I've been giving myself rest, and now all I can think of is a time when I will be dead and have eternal rest.  Growing is hard.  Allowing God to grow me is even harder.  I've got to let Him cultivate me, especially in this time of exhaustion and distance.  I'm so burned out, I don't even know how to ask.

So there you have it: over-analization of a "selfy", and the contents of my spirit at the time being.

In the end, the Lord is good.  He fulfills and comforts, and He heals and loves.  He is what I need.

How was your April Fool's Day? Any good ones?

Rely on Him, life lovers - He knows what you need!

{Where Have I Been?}

Some of you may have noticed that I have been a little MIA in the past month.

Well I have been.

Here's what's been going on:

I am taking 18 credits this semester; I am working 11 hours this semester (not as much as usual, but still...); one of the classes I am taking this semester is my Ministry Practicum and for that I need 150 hours this semester of work, so I am volunteering 8.5 hours a week with Daybreak Crisis Pregnancy Center; I have had a good amount of reading for my Philosophy class; I have been going to the chiropractor every Thursday night - it's an hour drive one-way; I have been doing my 30 hours of CSL (Christian Service Learning) at Calvary Chapel on Sunday mornings; January and February are birth months for my entire family, so we've been doing things for that; I have been grocery shopping, and keeping the tank filled, and writing papers, and doing research, and meeting with friends, and inviting friends over, and forgetting about last minute assignments, and studying for one exam after another, and trying to find the off button for this perpetual world-sized treadmill that I am finding myself on.  I have just been going and going and going and going, and I'm trying to find time to rest because I feel physically right now like I am out of breath.  I sometimes unconsciously rule out the need to eat because it's just another thing to do.  I don't want it to sound like I'm complaining about, or dissatisfied with, what I've got going on; I find pleasure in learning, meeting with friends, and volunteering at church and at Daybreak.  I love everything that I'm doing.  The problem is that I am doing sooo much.  And it's wearing me out.  Blogging, as I've mentioned a million times before, is one of my biggest and favoritest halftimes.  It's an outlet for me to be creative and to share neat things with the world.  However, I have hardly had time to stop and enjoy this little past-time of mine, because every chance I get to just take a breath, I literally do not do anything.  I literally just sit on the couch and look out the window.  These few chances I get usually only last for about 5 or 10 minutes before I'm going on to the next thing that needs to be done.  So, sadly, I will still not have a whole lot of time to blog throughout the rest of the semester, but I will still share some things as I have time and energy to do so.  In the meantime, if you are a friend and/or prayer warrior, when I happen to cross your mind, please pray for these things:

• That God convinces me to slow down so that I can enjoy His rest.
• That I learn to say 'no' to more than I can handle.
• That I retain the physical, mental, and emotional strength to keep going and avoid falling behind.
• That Frank and I do not lose sight of each other, an our marriage, amid everything going on.
• That I keep up good communication with Frank and others around me.
• That we continue to be faithful to God, knowing that we cannot make ourselves righteous, but God brings us to His righteousness in His time.
• For the ladies that come into Daybreak, scared and wondering whether or not they should keep their unborn babies; let their hearts be softened and molded by God so that they know they are taken care of and loved.
• For the girls at the middle school I go to for Daybreak, that they will discover their identities in Christ, not boys or babies.
• For the girls in the middle school small group at church, that their hearts be opened to the passion God has for them and the plans He has for their lives.
• And for my dear professors who love us and care about our relationship and understanding of the Lord; give them strength and rest as well.

Thanks for the prayer, and I will see ya when I see ya!

{Fountainhead.}

fountainhead: noun 

1.  an original source of something

synonyms: cradle, source, origin, root

This window is an origin for me.  I looked out this window when it rained, the few times it snowed, when it stormed, when it was sunny.  I slept beneath or beside this window for 11 years, from the time I moved to South Carolina from Chicago until I went away for college.  I woke up from wind and rain hitting this window.  I looked out into the backyard from this window.  We lived on 6 acres of land, so you could imagine the different beauties I saw out there with each season.  This was an old farmhouse on old farmland that still had the original blacksmith shop, carriage and cow barns, and chicken coupe.  We had no neighbors, we lived amidst corn fields, cotton, and woods.  The original part of the house was built circa 1840.  The room I lived in, which I shared with my sister, was approximately 120 years old.  This window was probably last painted in the 50's before lead paint was 'bad for you.'  Inside this window, as I said, was my room.  I had dreams here, played with cousins here, had friends over here, cried here, got angry here, laughed with my sister here, experienced true pain here, grew up here.  This is my root.  This was my cradle.  This is my fountainhead.

This is my husband.  My husband is my home, my new cradle.  Where he is, is where I belong.  And this is our 'backyard.'  I didn't grow up in Columbia, but I did grow up in South Carolina.  This is a different part of the state than I grew up in, with a different atmosphere and a different caliber of people.  The farmland looks the same.  I grew up on farmland.  I'm glad that I grew up where I did; many members of my extended family can't appreciate it, but I do.  I love it.  It's where my roots are.  This is the backland of our school, CIU.  CIU owns 7 miles of hiking trails, that's easily over a hundred acres of land.  We are up on a hill.  CIU is an original source for my calling from God.  It was here that He told me who I was to be.  It is here that He gave me my husband.  CIU is a source from which God's water flows into the world, like a fountainhead.  CIU is my fountainhead.  Frank is my fountainhead.

Home.

School.

Husband.

Fountainhead.

From the fountain head springs forth the fountain of water that flows down and smooths stones and shapes boulders.  From the fountainhead comes the original purpose of existing.  From my fountainhead, in whatever way they appear to me, comes who I am; my likes and dislikes, my attitude and perception, who I am entirely.  From my fountainhead, I now live.

{My Friends Today}

I've been in the library since 2 minutes after it opened (10:02).

It's been a good morning so far, a bit productive.

I've fixed the format of one of my Word Studies, and I have started on the Figurative Language.

My hopes are to get the Word Studies, Figurative Language and Context done by 5 today, when the library closes.  I have added on book after book, and I am surrounded now!

My Herm Final is on Acts 16:11-15.

I can add, now, another 3 hours to my Herm Final time!  I'll be going home for a quick lunch, coming back to my room here, and finishing up the Fig Lang before moving on to Context.  These books have been my friends today.  Thankful for them.  And sick of them.

Holding Time in a Capsule

    You know how some people like collecting celebrity's hair and spit and tissues?  Those people have some serious issues.  They are so obsessed, or "in love", with those celebrities that they never knew personal that they will do anything in their power (and then some) to get memorabilia of any kind to add to their collection.  It's just weird.  But now consider, how many things that belonged to your grandpa do you still save in some safe place?  Letters between your grandparents from the war?  Old jackets or shirts that your mom really loved?  Drawings from your children when they were still so young and sweet?  You have the memory, sure, but something tangible, something physical, can keep you connected to that memory even after the memory starts to fade.  Then there are those items you want to collect that are intangible. Someone's voice that was never caught on tape, the feeling when seeing the mountains for the first time, touching the softest little animal.  Some of you might think these things are weird, but a lot of you know exactly what I mean.  You know the wish of wanting to hold something intangible in your hands so that you can remember it over and over again every time you hear it or touch it or see it.  The memory itself just doesn't do for you.

    Have you ever heard of Harry Potter?  Silly question for everyone, but have you ever read the sixth book or watched the sixth movie (Half-Blood Prince)?  Dumbledore holds a tool that is a blessing in some ways and a curse in others.  It's called a Pensieve.  A Pensieve, to the untrained eye, looks merely like a bowl of still water.  However, when 'memories are extracted' from one's mind, they can be put into the Pensieve and experienced once again.  Think about that: if I take a memory from my mind that I don't have anything tangible to assist it, put it in the Pensieve and watch it all over again.  Of course, I understand the price to pay with this, but I'm not going to talk about that today (since the Pensieve isn't real, and we're not at risk of destroying ourselves.

I always miss band, and I always
miss my friends.

I miss my black tenor saxophone,
and I miss playing in jazz band.

    My point, to be clear, is that I often wish that I could hold time in a capsule, such as a Pensieve holds memories.  There are days when I'll think back to a certain instance in my life to which I have no tangible connection to and I will want to relive it, just for the amazing experience.  I wish I could hold the time I spent at the USC Band Clinic in 2010 - that time was amazing, and I wish I could be a part of that band forever.  But I can't.  I would really like to feel the surprise of being proposed to again, all the excitement and astonishment.  But I can't.  I wish I could go back and be in high school band again, all those performances, and band practices, and jazz band, and band clinics.  But I can't.  I wish I could hold these brilliant experiences in some sort of time capsule so that I can go back and reflect on them again and again whenever I want.  But I can't.

Our senior year of high school
after our last sweaty day of band camp!

    This blog post is not about working through those wishes, necessarily; I don;t really have a way to make it any easier.  All I know is that holding those times we wish we could experience over and over again is something that I would love.  But I know the dangers of that, too: I could get lost in the past and miss out on all the other experiences I have, never making new ones to reflect on and never getting the best out of the short time I have been given.

    That doesn't stop me, sometimes, from wishing I could relive certain memories.  Holding time in a capsule isn't as easy as looking at pictures and reminiscing, or seeing certain clothes and remembering some fantastic time.  But since it can't actually happen, and if I'm careful not to lose sight of the present, I don't think it can hurt to think about it.

What are some memories you wish you could revisit, if only once?

Emily's Senior Photos

Back in June, I spent a weekend with my sister Emily.  She just started her senior year of high school and, boy, is she excited!  I remember those days of counting down until we were out of the small town public school system, the wrath of teachers who didn't like kids, and getting out from under our parents' (loving) control.  And now my little sister is going through that same stamina dn senioritis this year!  I'm so proud of her and how hard she's worked over the past 17 (and a half) years of her life :)  She asked me to take her senior pictures for her since usually the people who do the professional pictures charge a gazillion dollars for a few select prints.  I am no professional, and she knows that, but she asked me to take these for her anyways.  I was honored :)  Here are scenes from the life of Emily beginning her senior year of high school!

One more year Emmy!!  You can do this!!! And we are all excited for you to make it here with us next school year!!!!!!! :D

Getting In Shape: The First Week Back To School

This week was so dishearteningly slow... I hardly did anything in terms of working out... :(  Here's my week:

Monday

Monday night, Frank ran with our friend, his running buddy, Peter.  They both did a great job!  All of us chose to only run one mile.  Peter finished at 9:36, Frank finished at 9:42.  They ran a mile in under 10 minutes!  Great job, guys! :)

We only chose a mile because it was soooo muggy outside.  As I started running, I felt like I was going to collapse from suffocation.  So I didn't go too far.  However, these were my times:

Half mile: 4:52
1 mile: 9.46

So I didn't do all that bad.  I really need to get back on the bandwagon with running though!  My body keeps giving me these little pains and it's effecting how I feel while I run.

Tuesday

This was the first day of school... I was exhausted when I got home, and ended up not doing anything... :(

Wednesday

Today was Frank's birthday! Yaaaayyy!  Happy birthday, Frank! :D And it was the second day of classes, so I had three classes - all pretty stressful classes - and then he and I celebrated his birthday.  I did not go out and run... :(

Thursday

I did a Pilates DVD!  With Karen Garcia.  It was just strange.  I definitely like yoga better.  And I don't really fell it did anything to help em at all...  I just rolled around and held my legs a lot - haha!  But I didn't do anything else :(  I feel unreasonably overwhelmed.  Not that I have waaaaay too  much to handle right now, but because I'm letting myself be more overwhelmed than is reasonable at this point.  I got a good amount of homework done on time last night, and I am ahead of the game in reading for one of my classes :) I really need to get back into running again...

Friday

Rest Day

Saturday

I didn't do anything today, it was the day we were going out to lunch with friends and going to dinner with family to celebrate Frank's birthday!

A Few Facelifts To My Blog

I've been going through a blog-identity crisis, I guess you can say, as I'm trying to make my blog more comfortable and efficient for me and my readers.  I've made some major changes to my blog just now... without really thinking about it... I hope it doesn't bother anyone... I mean, it is my blog... :P So here are those changes:

1. The background no longer has color, it is white.  This may change to something just a little more colorful, like maybe stripes or something.  That way there is less distraction for those who read, and more attention is paid to the things I have written and things you may or may not be interested in.
2. I changed the URL address of my blog again... I'm so sorry :(  It went from JBRAZBLOG.BLOGSPOT.COM to JAY-ELLE-BEE.BLOGSPOT.COM - why?
3. Because I also decided to change my blog name.  I'm tired of having blog names that can't line up with the URL address, so I changed it to something that hasn't been used by anyone else.  The name of my blog is now: Jay Elle Bee.  Why? My initials, that's pretty simple.  And I like the little bumble bee!  Plus, being able to have something small that's memorable is good if I want to make a favricon for myself.  A favricon.  That will be the next thing I add to my blog ;)

I'm sorry to those of you who liked what my blog looked like before, who follow me via URL, and who liked the name I used to have for it.  However, changes are made every day in the world, and none of them last.  This blog is merely me recording what my mind is saying in the very short time that I am here on earth.  Once I'm gone, so will be my blog.  Nothing to get worked up about :)  Thanks for reading, my friends and fellow bloggers.  I love you all, and I will blog again soon! :)

First Day Back?

It was ...kind of like any other day.  The only differences: I didn't have to work for 8 hours today and I had to go to Hoke for the first time in three and a half years.  I think Public Speaking won't be that bad... I've already taken Communicating to Youth, which is like a public speaking class geared towards youth.  And I've taken half of a public speaking course online (yes, online - ask me how they do that...) from a tech school. It won't be that bad.  Plus, I sit next to the hottest guy in school ;) (my husband).

The day wasn't so bad for Frank either.  He's looking forward to his Five Great Novels class, thinks it'll be a lot of work, but is ready for it!  He thinks the same as I do about Public Speaking ;)  Besides, what's he got to worry about: he's graduating this year!

We had a great start to the semester! I'll let you know more about our tomorrow schedules.

I have worn this same outfit every first day of school for the past four years.  This style ain't neva gonna go outta style B)

Too cool for school.

And my hair is getting long enough to curl again... hooray!

Happy 2013-14 school year, everyone!

What I Love About Walking Home

    Of all the things I think about on my way home : : I get to see Frank gain, I am hungry and want dinner, I get to relax, I can watch some TV, I can clean the house a little, I love my husband, hat should we do tonight? what should we do this weekend? : : there's one little thing while I make my way home that interrupts my thoughts so sweetly.  What is it? 

Little froggies!

There are little retention ponds around the apartments where frogs and minnows live.  When I walk home at night, I can hear for yards all the little chirping and croaking the frogs make to speak to each other.  They sound like little squeaky toys playing in a little puddle!  I know that doesn't make a whole of sense, but that's the image I get when I walk by and hear them all squeaking away!  That is such a nice little end to my day, right before I get to the comforts of home :)

First 20-Minute Run!

Hello all!

A little update on my progress in my Getting In Shape Journey:

Today on my training guide to run a 10K, I was told to walk or run for 20 minutes.  At first I thought, "Maybe I'll walk 5 minutes, run 5 minutes, etc." And then I thought, "that's too easy, what if I walked 5 minutes, ran 10 minutes, walked 5 minutes?" And then I thought, "I ran over a mile and a half last weekend... I should just run the whole thing..." And so I did :)  And it felt great!

I had some potatoes about an hour before I ran so that I could get some good carb-energy in me.  I started out with some yoga with my friends Courtney and Anna - this was good since it's power yoga (we missed you Tabitha!).  We used dumbbells and focused on arm strengthening.  The DVD we use is really good for toning and burning calories, more so than it is like regular yoga.  That was a good start!

Then Anna and I went into the exercise room at the gym and while I ran, she walked for 20 minutes (by the way, she did an awesome job this morning with running two miles!!! Way to go, Anna!)  I started these 20 minutes thinking again, "I'll take it slow so I don't wear myself out." So I started at 4.5 miles (treadmill speed).  At about the 5 minute mark I felt a little bored with going that slow so I up'd it to 4.7.  At about 12 minutes, I up'd it again to 5.2 and ran at that speed until I had one minute left to go.  At 19 minutes I got it up to 5.7, ran at that speed for about 30 seconds, and then finished strong (for Jessica) at 6.0 speed!  IT was pretty great ;)

At the end of 20 minutes, I completed 1.65 miles!!! 

:D  Hooray!  That's 5/100 more than I ran on Saturday (little victories!).

Overall, I am so thankful for my friends, and for the working body God has given me :)

I also found a nifty little online device that I've seen a few of my friends use on Facebook.  It's called "dailymile" and it's a site that reminds a little of Twitter (?) where you can track your progress!  If you want to look at progress from there, feel free to look!

Jessica's dailymile Progress

Emily's Photo Shoot

This weekend my sister came to preview our college.  Since she was here for a few bonus days, we planned a few fun things and among them was a great photo shoot.  She's so photogenic :)  We walked around the woods that belong to our school and took some great photos!

This is Emily :)

So you see we had fun in between ;)  I love my sister!  And I hope she can always treasure the time we had taking these!