I am burned out.
I'm not typically one to take "selfies" - or at least not share the selfies I do take - I find it a bit self-absorbed.
But today I took this little selfy (instead of studying for that Philosophy exam tomorrow) and I felt in a small way that it captured me as I feel. Sorry guys, this one is going to be a little over-analyzed, like symbolism in the Scarlet Letter.
I have what I need to keep going right in front of me. But I feel so distant and not motivated to do anything I need to. I'm sad; I love all of my classes, and I'm learning a lot while I'm attending, but I cannot connect outside of class this semester. I don't even have a whole lot to do outside of class, and I still don't feel like I can't get myself together. I feel like a shell; like a ghost of someone I usually am, but I'm not right now. I'm just... there. And not connected to what's going on around me. It's by the grace of God that I am still connecting with Him and with people, but with life outside of human and God interaction is throwing a party that I am not attending. Right now, I really do just want to sit around and do absolutely nothing. I want to sit outside with a Harry Potter book and a laptop, soak up some vitamin D, blog, and check Facebook. Horrible way to spend life day-to-day. But that's really just what I want to do. I'm tired of memorizing things, I'm tired of discussing things, I'm tired of reading things, I'm tired of coming up with better synonyms of the word "things" - I just want to quit for a little while, let my brain heal, recuperate, then start out again, but slowly. I want to sit and stare, look away from everything I'm supposed to be looking at. I am running on fumes. For this and other inner reasons (which will remain undisclosed) I have attempted seeking comfort in the Lord. I found a passage that I want to share which most have heard - I've heard it before - but I never knew where it was. I happened to come upon it at "random" the other day and it was really speaking for me:
"My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise."
And it speaks for me. The whole of Psalm 51 speaks for me daily: a sinner, fallen and broken, but in desperate need of the Lord and His love, grace, and compassion. I don't deserve it, but He freely gives it to me. Right now, I want to ask Him to heal me, but for some reason have not. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I've been out of His rest for so long that I don't know how to go back into it; I've been giving myself rest, and now all I can think of is a time when I will be dead and have eternal rest. Growing is hard. Allowing God to grow me is even harder. I've got to let Him cultivate me, especially in this time of exhaustion and distance. I'm so burned out, I don't even know how to ask.
So there you have it: over-analization of a "selfy", and the contents of my spirit at the time being.
In the end, the Lord is good. He fulfills and comforts, and He heals and loves. He is what I need.
How was your April Fool's Day? Any good ones?
Rely on Him, life lovers - He knows what you need!