Thursday, February 21, 2013

Feeling Conflicted... Please Pray For Courage

  Please pray for me at the moment as I'm trying to forgive some things from my past... There were things that went on while I was in high school - in my family, at school, with friendships, with relationships, and so on.  Well many of these things, I have had to work through and, because of the grace and mercy of God, I have been able to grow past them.

  However, one of the hardest things that I have had to learn to do is forgive those who have hurt me in different ways.  A few of them who were closest to me, I have been able to come to a point within myself that I can forgive and forget and move on from what they did (in their respective ways) to make things painful for me.  Even though I may never actually get a chance to verbalize that forgiveness I have, I know that I can have rest in my soul knowing that I was able to let God move in me.  I no longer hold hurtful grudges there.  However, there is one in particular person whom I went to high school with that I looked up to as a good Christ-following role model.  Suddenly, without warning, this person not only cut me off and cut off our friendship, but they did that with all of our friends around us.  Even now, I still have passerby moments with this person, and it hurts every time because I feel like I'm not important enough to even notice or care for.

  What hurts the most is that I looked to this person as different from the rest and really respected them.  Surely, I was not exactly the perfect person in high school and struggled with belonging and whatnot, but I still saw this person as almost a guiding light that I wasn't used to because of the presence of Christ in their life.  I, to this day, have no clue what I did that was so horrible.. they felt the need to end our friendship without rhyme or reason and never talk to me again.  To be honest, they really killed their witness to me.  They killed the picture of grace and patience and understanding and enduring faith that I once saw within them and eventually, in my hurt, those images turned to thoughts of bitterness and images of this person as being self-centered and judgmental.

  Well it has been about four years since I actually had any sort of relationship with this person.  The forgiving process started long ago and I've truly been working on it, but I can't seem to reach the point of absolute forgiveness... And I can't figure out why?  Maybe I need closure from that side?  I never really understood what exactly happened, so maybe I just need to know what I did to deserve this?  Maybe I want to hear an apology?  I don't know.  But I have really been feeling the urge to take this person aside one day to talk to about what went on, explain the hurt it caused me, and see where God leads the conversation.  I don't think there will be much hope for rekindling a relationship any time soon, but I know I would like to settle whatever went wrong.  It's been really hard living with this on my heart these past few years.  And every time I ask God to provide a time for me to talk with this person, He gives it and I coward out.  I think ultimately, because I don't want to be hurt by whatever goes on.  I also know that, when I feel hurt by a person, my natural defense mechanism is to become cold and get really rigid and defensive when I come into contact with them.  I need to talk to this person soon though, before I simply don't have a chance and I always feel that wrong and disgraceful bitterness towards them.

  So please pray for me... pray that God will truly continue to work within me, showing me how to have grace in this forgiving process.  Pray that He will indeed equip me with the right amount of courage to face this person and work through what went on in the past.  Pray that He continues to grow my well of forgiveness into a greater forge with room for every ounce of forgiveness that I need to give.  Pray that whatever I learn from this process and trial will be fruitful in other ways, so that someday I can pour this same wisdom into someone else who needs to face a similar problem.  Pray that exactly the right words that I need to say to this person will come out in a way that doesn't offend, that my heart will remain softened for room for growing, that this persons heart would not be hard towards me, nor offensive toward me either.  Please pray for me, for me to have the courage to face that which brings me down and keeps me from growing closer to God.  Please pray for me.  Thanks...

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