Before college, I tended to think of myself as a sort of 'peacemaker' and avoided conflict completely. If a problem arose, I ignored it in hopes that it would resolve on its own. If conlict arose between my friends, I took the place of the mediator and didn't get too involved, accept to give advice to both 'parties'. I thought this was the way to do it, because I never felt stress from handling a situation. However, I recognized that these actions only made things worse.
First thing...
What I learned through much trial and error is that the best way to resolve conflict is lay everything out on the table at once and work through it then and there. The longer you draw it out, the worse it hurts, and the longer it will take to mend. I know people who are like this; they don't want to have to deal with whatever the problem is and "just want it to go away!" Well the best thing for them to do that they don't realize is just face it!! Let's say you get sick. You have this nasty fungus-looking rash developing all over your body; your fever is 105 and rising, vomitting becomes your meal every day, and you are so dehydrated. You feel like dying would be the only way out and all you can say is, "I just want it to go away!" Well. Go to the doctor. You should have done this a long time ago before the rash even started to develop. Get some medication. If you had only used common sense and sought out what could have helped you at first, you wouldn't have a high brain-damaging fever, and icky scars left from the fungus-looking rash on your skin. You would have also had much more time to spend doing the things you love doing since you healed faster. But instead, you wallowed in the misery of how bad you felt and simply figured that wishing it to go away would be enough to help. You were dead wrong. Similarly, when there is a problem that arises between you and another person, or other people, the LAST thing you should do is simply will it away, expecting things to just solve themselves.
Second thing...
Supressing the feelings you have about these situations can lead to anxiety and panic. I have a moderate case of anxiety disorder. I have been having panic attacks at least once a month since I was in eighth grade. There were times in high school (a friend can vouge for me on this) where I would have to leave class multiple times a week because I felt a panic attack working its way to the surface. Before college, it was always a bit difficult for me to handle my emotions (not because I'm a girl) but because I didn't know how to handle them. Every feeling I had that was linked to conflict I supressed to the point that it was hurting me physically. Had I faced the conflict while it was beginning and before it got out of hand, I would probably be a much stronger person now than I am. I guess we'll never know. Conflict is something that happens EVERY day to EVERYone - ain't no way you can just avoid it or ignore it without it backfiring on YOU! We think that ignoring everything that's going on is a sign of lashing out at another person, but they don't have to deal with the anxiety and stress that you're putting upon yourself. If you would only muster the courage...
Third thing...
Something we must all start to get our mindsets wrapped around is this: a fight should not be between people; a fight should be between the people and the problem. In other words, instead of fighting each other, work together to fight the problem. Easier said than done, I know, but it CAN and must be done. What we have to truly realize and accept is this: when there is a problem between two people, the fault does not solely lie with one person. Fault is found in BOTH people. We are very quick to justify our position as to why we are right, and they are wrong. You're both wrong. If one of you was right, there wouldn't be a conflict, would there? Think about that. Conflict doesn't go one way, it goes in both directions. Something I have been learning about this point is to look into my own heart and find what MY motives are in conflict. If I find something wrong with someone else, where am I at fault that is making me see them this way? Now I know that those of you who read this will automatically think, "so-and-so should really read this, they could use a lesson.." Well why are you saying that? What's YOUR problem, sir or ma'am? Why is it them that has to read it and learn? What exactly are you learning? Obviously, someone has a little more growing up to do, don't they? Obviously you are just as much in the wrong as they are for even thinking that you don't need to hear this as much as someone else. You must learn exactly what is wrong with your own heart before you can critique and condemn someone else for what's wrong with them. Want Scripture? Jesus, himself said, "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." (Matthew 7:3-5) Even Jesus commands us to take care of our own problems before we worry about someone else and what we think is so wrong with them. He calls us hypocrites in knowing that we think someone else is so much more in the wrong than we are.
I understand that it is hard to learn how to gather this sort of confidence, courage, and reasoning because it makes us feel so vulnerable - and often we are! But if God didn't create us to feel vulnerable, do you think we'd be living on earth? There's a reason He made us less than Him - so that we can rely on Him, not ourselves or our friends. I will share that, for my entire first year of college, I recognized these problems within myself and I went to counselling every week or two. I got a lot out of my system, weeded out the parts of my past that bring me down, confronted myself on how rediculous I could be, practiced how to argue fairly, and see reasoning in conflict and where I made my mistake within it. I learned a LOT a lot a lot about working through conflict and resolving it. I'm not perfect, and I don't know it all, but I feel like learning these lessons helped me enter my 'coming of age' into adulthood. It makes me really sad, and a bit perturbed, to think that a few of my friends and even family members can't act more like adults when it comes to conflict. There's nothing shameful about admitting you need help; going to a counselor doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, it means that there is something right within you that you want to seek out and grow; being vulnerable and crying doesn't make you any less human than using the bathroom; facing a conflict when you'd rather just ignore it shows how you are getting stronger, and the maturity you claim to have is truly showing. Seek God, and GET IT ALL OUT! You cannot, and I repeat: cannot, expect conflict to just go away because you 'want it to' or you 'wish it would' - you can respond to your own wish by just learning to face it. Practice in small and big situations confronting people, and working together through the problem, explaining your side and understnading theirs, working through every detail in order to find a solution, find forgiveness and eventually, reconciliation. Seek help if you need it, find your faults, don't blame everyone else, and don't supress anything! The faster you work through this, the less damage it will do, and the stronger you will be ing the end.
©2011
.jpg)
.jpg)
